Hi everyone; it’s comedy grammar time!

But first: I’m giving a four-week writing course for women starting Tuesday, Feb. 16^th, in Jerusalem, and running four consecutive Tuesdays from 10:30 am until 12:30 pm. We’re going to be covering the following topics: writing techniques, developing your own unique voice, how to make your writing a priority without it being at the expense of your family, polishing your product, tips for the writing life, and common grammar challenges. Each session will also have a hands-on component to enable you to put what you’ve learned into immediate practice.

Anyone who is interested (and can get to Jerusalem :)) should call Temech (the Jerusalem Businesswoman’s Network) at 02-538-8665, ext. 0. Tell them you’re calling for JWWS/Writers’ Courses) and want to register for Deena Nataf’s course.

Okay, on to the post…

The Willies and the Wouldies

I like to tailor my posts to my audience. One of my favorite readers (I say that about all of you and I actually mean it) asked me recently: “When do you use will vs. would?” I thought this would make an excellent post, so I will dive right in without further ado.

Figuring out the difference between “will” and “would” might sound like a simple exercise, but if you go a little deeper, you will discover that there are a lot of nuances of meaning within each word. Getting it right in your prose or poetry will help your readers better understand what you’re trying to say.

In a nutshell, “will” is used for future, definite events, both conditional and unconditional, while “would” is used for expressing a conditional plan or action that is also indefinite, imagined, or theoretical. It is also the past tense of will (more about that below).

Here’s the rule in a graphic:

 

Now let’s look at some examples:

Will

conditional:

• If Henry breaks his curfew, I will take his driver’s license away.
• She will not take no for an answer unless you pay her a hundred bucks.
• If my mother’s nose is not stuffed tomorrow, she will smell the roses.
• Unless my mother’s nose is stuffed tomorrow, she will smell the roses.
• If my date stands me up, I will have waited in front of the movie theater in vain.

unconditional:

• I will take Henry’s driver’s license away when he gets home.
• She will not take no for an answer.
• My mother will remember to smell the roses.
• At two o’clock, I will have been at the doctor’s office two hours.
• You will have to leave at two-fifteen regardless of whether the doctor has seen you.
• She will have left the house by now.

tricky:

• Perhaps Lauren’s mom will give you a ride. (In other words, if she agrees, she will definitely do it.)

being polite:

• Will you take my books back to the library?

 

Would

conditional (plus indefinite, imagined, or theoretical):

• She assumed that she would fail the test and therefore would have to take it over in the fall.
• If she would just put her mind to it, she would pass the test.
• If she had put her mind to it, she would have passed the test.
• If my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a trolley car.
• If I had a dollar for every person who told me I have a limp, I would be a millionaire.
• If I had a dollar for every person who told me I have a limp, I’d be a millionaire.
• I thought I would die when she told everyone I was divorced.
• If he would only call me, I’d be the happiest girl in the world.
• It would be difficult to hike in all that mud.
• I would assume that it would be difficult to hike in all that mud.

past tense of will (which means that, like will, it is definite):

• Every time he would go to the beach, he would buy himself an ice cream.
• When my boss got mad, she would go into a temper tantrum.
• Yesterday morning the washing machine wouldn’t drain, the kids wouldn’t wake up, and the car wouldn’t start.
• Tony said he would finish copying my notes by nine o’clock. (Past tense, but discussing something that was supposed to happen in the future.)

trickier:

• Perhaps Lauren’s mom would give you a ride. (We don’t know whether Lauren’s mom will agree to give you a ride if you asked her, but it’s worth a try.)

being even more polite (see My English Teacher and The British Counsel website, both of which hold that using “would” instead of “will” is more polite):

• Would you take my books back to the library?

 

What say you?

I hope you’re convinced that there’s more to these “easy” words than you might have once thought. Thankfully, there are easy hacks to remember when and how to use these elements in your writing.

Every little rule, every little hack, counts. Put them all together, and you will become the writer you want to be. You’ll be light years ahead of everyone else, because your writing will make more sense, be more precise, and stand out among all the other offerings we see so frequently on the Internet, in magazines, and on bookshelves.

Let me know what other grammar issues you have, and what you’d like to see covered on my blog posts.

Happy writing!

 

 

Deena Nataf

Deena@BulletproofWriting.com

Hi, everyone! It’s Comedy Grammar time!

But first: here’s some exciting news:

Contest: Top 10 Blogs for Writers Contest 2015! Enjoying my blog? Getting a lot out of it? Seen an improvement in your writing? Why not nominate Bulletproof Writing as one of the top ten writers’ blogs? All you need to do click this link. Go down to the Comments section and write down the following: 1) The title and link to your favorite post on my blog, and 2) a short explanation on why you feel the post you nominated should win this year’s award. (To get the proper link to one of my posts, click on the “Blogs” button on my website, find your favorite post, and copy the URL.)

Check out Writer’s Clinic to see readers’ “homework” from my last post on Description. I have included my editorial comments in red at the bottom of each paragraph. Thanks to Sharon and Raluca; way to go! I hope to see many more contributions next time!

And now, on to the post…

Why Henry the Eighth Didn’t Need Commas but You Do

When I was in second grade my teacher, Mrs. McFall, wrote three words on the board:

 

Garlic Salt and Pepper

Then she asked us how many spices she had written.

What do you think?

I loved Mrs. McFall. She was one of my favorite teachers in elementary school. She was creative and fun, and she respected the students. She once used an idea of mine for a grade-wide project, and she didn’t even get mad when I told her that I didn’t like her at the beginning of the school year.

In any case, the “garlic salt and pepper” lesson is how Mrs. McFall introduced the importance of  correct comma placement. It stayed with me throughout the rest of my education, and I have both used it and taught it manifold times during my career.

We all told Mrs. McFall that there were three spices written on the board…until she added a comma after “salt.” Then we got confused, not least because no one had ever heard of garlic salt. She showed us that this small but mighty piece of punctuation can – literally – add “spice” to your writing, tell us how many parents you have, insult people…the list is endless.

 Counting Fathers

Let’s say you wrote the following:

• My father Achilles is a real heel.
• My father, Achilles, is a real heel.

In the first example you have more than one father. You don’t like the one named Achilles. But even though your father Madison is a real square, at least your father Midas has that golden touch.

In the second example you have only one father, and his name is Achilles.

King Henry the Eighth never used commas: My wife Catherine A., my wife Anne B., my wife Jane, my wife Anne C., my wife Catherine H., and my wife Catherine P.

I think he had a thing for Catherines.

Fun fact: there are two ways to remember what happened to all those wives – not that anyone cares. Here’s one: “Divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived.” The other is a poem:

 

King Henry the Eighth,

To six wives he was wedded.

one died, one survived,

Two divorced, two beheaded.

You Need only One Comma to Insult People

There are two things a mad scientist can do:

• drink, poison, and die.
• drink poison, and die.

In the first example the mad scientist will be arrested for murder; in the second, he’ll join the ranks of dead creatives such as Robin Williams, Virginia Woolf, and Sylvia Plath.

You can also use the second example as a command, which will enable you to hurt people’s feelings with impunity.

The Oxford Comma Is really a Harvard Comma

This is a pet peeve of mine.

The Oxford comma, also called the series comma, is the one you use immediately before the word “and” in a list. It is considered correct in the United States, and Elizabeth Taylor no doubt used it throughout her life: Conrad Hilton, Jr., Michael Wilding, Mike Todd, Eddie Fisher, Richard Burton, John Warner, and Larry Fortensky.

In the United Kingdom they don’t use the Oxford comma, which I think is really dumb. If they don’t want to use it, fine, but who gave them the right to call it after a British University? Call it the Harvard comma, the UCLA comma, the South Puget Sound Community College comma; whatever. But don’t call it the Oxford comma, for crying out loud.

In any case, this is how King Henry would have listed his wives: Catherine A., Anne B., Jane, Anne C., Catherine H. and Catherine P.

Stay Tuned…

This is more than enough to digest in one digest. For the next installment of Comedy Grammar, I will go deeper into the comma mystique, and how it can help you write clearer prose.

Until next time,

Happy writing!

Deena Nataf
www.BulletproofWriting.com
Deena@BulletproofWriting.com

Hi, everyone!

As promised, my blogs will now be published every other Tuesday instead of every other Thursday. I want you to read my posts toward the beginning of the week, not toward the end!

In last Thursday’s blog, I spoke about failing to take advantage of my jet lag to write a post. But this time I succeeded: it’s 4:00 a.m. and I’m wide awake and typing away. I skipped the coffee, the Kindle, and the email (read my previous post if you don’t understand what I just said). I am living proof that people can change as long as the candle is still burning.

I also spoke about my new personal challenge, which is to organize my time more effectively. I am happy to report that I succeeded in creating a livable, weekly schedule, thanks to blogger John Meese’s friendly opt-in prize, “Daily Life Navigation,” which you can get if you sign up for his blog, here.

The biggest takeaway from building a schedule was that I have a lot more discretionary time than I thought. That was a liberating discovery, as I’ve been resisting creating a schedule for fear of being a slave to all my obligations. (John talks about how a schedule can be liberating instead of choking.)
If you’d like to see my schedule, I’ve put it on my Writer’s Clinic page. Let me know what you think, and send me any suggestions to make it (and me) more efficient. It’s most definitely a work-in-progress.

Now let’s move on to my latest “Comedy Grammar” post:

 

I have been rarin’ to write a post on the use of the apostrophe, that cute little eyelash of a character whose rights are violated more often than those of almost any other grammatical device. Think “its” versus “it’s” or Fisher Price Pack ‘n’ Play (can you tell I’m about to become a grandmother?).

Taking my cue from Olivia Newton John, who said, “Let me hear your body talk,” I have chosen to focus on the apostrophe catastrophe that turns my stomach the most: messing up the plurals.

Why people tend to go apostrophe-crazy with plurals is one of the mysteries of life. A plural is just an s. I ask you: Why complicate matters? Use apostrophes sparingly, and take only as needed.

Quick tip: Talking about more than one entity does not require an apostrophe-s. Use it only when speaking about what belongs to and entity.

The Parking Ticket of Apostrophe Violations, i.e., the Big Easy

Here are some warm-up examples on the use of the plural vs. apostrophe-s. Plurals are in italics and possessives are underlined. Notice whether they are followed by a verb, a noun, or nothing:

1. The Steins are a very nice family who live up the road.

• Here we’re talking about a few people named Stein.
• There is a verb after the plural.

2. The Steins’ car is new, but its brakes are not.

• In this example, a car is the possession of the Steins, and therefore we need possessive case.
• Notice that a noun follows the apostrophe-s.

3. I buy tires from Mr. Stein’s auto parts store.

• The possessive is followed by an adjective (“auto parts”), which describes the noun (“store”) that follows it.
• Mr. Stein owns (possesses) the store, which sells auto parts. Therefore, only he gets the apostrophe-s, not the auto parts as well.
• If I would have put an apostrophe-s after “auto parts,” that would have meant that the store was owned by the auto parts of Mr. Stein, not by Mr. Stein himself. Scary.

4. Mr. Green Jeans’ jeans are shorter than Jean’s jeans.

• With regard to our friend Mr. Green Jeans, The Chicago Manual of Style, which is your writer’s bible, now recommends that any singular noun that ends in s should be given another s after the apostrophe (“Green Jeans’s”). Notice that I did not do this. I’ll explain below.
• The name Jean does not end in an s, so it gets a regular apostrophe-s.
• Nouns follow the possessives.

By now you have figured out that in general, verbs follow the plurals and nouns follow the possessives. Makes sense, no? A noun, which is what these plurals are, needs an action (a verb), and a possessive needs to possess something, i.e., a noun (which can then be followed by a verb, i.e., “The Steins’ car drove away”).

Moving Violations

I’ve upped the complexity here. See how you fare with these:

1. My grandparents sent their greetings to the Steins’ son’s wife.

• My grandparents are just grandparents and don’t possess anything in this sentence.
• The Steins are plural (and therefore the apostrophe follows the s) and also possess something, i.e., a son.
• The singular son (apostrophe-s) is possessive of his wife. (Hope she’s in therapy.)

2. My grandparents sent their greetings to the Steins.

• My non-possessive, plural grandparents sent greetings to the plural Steins.
• They did not send greetings to something that the Steins possessed. Therefore, the Steins get no apostrophe.

3. My grandparents’ greetings were sent to Mr. Stein’s sons.
   

   (Not my real grandparents)

• Something that my grandparents possess was sent to something the singular Mr. Stein possesses.

4. My grandparents sent their greetings to the Steins in an email.

• A prepositional phrase, i.e., the preposition “in” plus “an email,” follows the noun. You will need this information in the next section.

Hit and Runs

Here, whether to use an apostrophe or not depends on context.

1. I’m going over to the Steins’ to deliver my grandmother’s greetings.
2. I’m going over to the Steins to introduce myself.

The best way to figure out whether you need an apostrophe in cases like these is to temporarily add a modifier after the offending plural:

1. I’m going over to the Steins’ house (noun) to deliver my grandmother’s greetings.
2. I’m going over to the Steins at the conference (prepositional phrase) to introduce myself.

Which leads us to the following conclusions:

• If a noun follows the modifier, whether it’s a temporary one or not, you need possessive case.
• If a prepositional phrase follows the modifier, you need the simple plural.
• The word “to” in “to deliver” is not a preposition here; it’s part of the infinitive verb.

 

DUI: The Great Extra S Debate

As promised, I will explain why I advocate the use of just an apostrophe after a singular noun ending in s, such as Mr. Green Jeans, business, and even a word like marquis, whose s is silent.

Simply put, it looks better. Yes, thirty years in the editing business and I’m advocating aesthetics (another word that needs only an apostrophe, I might add). Would you rather read “Mr. Green Jeans’s,” “business’s” (how many esses do you need?), or “marquis’s”? I know I wouldn’t.

Luckily for you s lovers, however, The Chicago Manual of Style now agrees with you. In their latest, 16^th edition, they recommend the extra s. I, who cut my editing teeth on the 14^th edition and came into my own with the 15^th, prefer the old way. The choice is yours.

Some of you more journalistic- or PR-oriented writers may object to the Holy Bible Chicago, and prefer instead The Associated Press Stylebook. That’s fine; just be consistent.

Fiction and non-fiction writers: It is my very strong opinion that you should use Chicago. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is that The AP Stylebook is almost solely what they call “newsroom style.” There is a chapter on Sports lingo (including horse racing), and the latest edition gives you new ways to describe suicide. There is even a fashion chapter and a guide to spelling tsimmes.

But let’s get back to the apostrophe-s challenge with some comparison shopping (brackets and bolding are mine):

	The Chicago Manual of Style, 15th edition	The Chicago Manual of Style, 16th edition	The Associated Press (AP) Stylebook
Possessive of simple singular and plural words	(7:17): The possessive of most singular nouns is formed by adding an apostrophe and an s [the family’s safe deposit box; the moss’s green hue]. The possessive of plural nouns…is formed by adding an apostrophe only [the Steins’ house]. Since feelings on these matters sometimes run high, users of this manual may wish to modify or add to the exceptions.	(7:15): The possessive of most singular nouns is formed by adding an apostrophe and an s [the family’s safe deposit box; the moss’s green hue]. The possessive of plural nouns…is formed by adding an apostrophe only [the Steins’ house].	Simple singular noun: add apostrophe-s [the family’s safe deposit box]. Singular noun ending in s: add apostrophe-s unless the next word begins with an s [the moss’s green hue; the moss’ sublime green hue].
Possessive of singular words ending in a silent s	7:20: To avoid an awkward appearance, an apostrophe without an s may be used for the possessive of singular words and names ending in an unpronounced s. Opt for this practice only if you are comfortable with it and are certain that the s is indeed unpronounced [the aide de corps’ unusual schedule].	7:20: In a return to Chicago’s earlier practice, words and names ending in an unpronounced s form the possessive in the usual way (with the addition of an apostrophe and an s). This practice not only recognizes that the additional s is often pronounced but adds to the appearance of consistency with the possessive forms of other types of proper nouns [the aide de corps’s unusual schedule].	Add only an apostrophe [the aide de corps’ unusual schedule].
Possessive of all words ending in s	7:23: Those uncomfortable with the rules, exceptions, and options outlined above may prefer the system, formerly more common, of simply omitting the possessive s on all words ending in s….Though easy to apply, that usage disregards pronunciation and thus seems unnatural to many [Thomas’ promises; business’ mystique].	7:21: An Alternative Practice: Some writers and publishers prefer the system, formerly more common, of simply omitting the possessive s on all words ending in s….Though easy to apply and economical, such usage disregards pronunciation in the majority of cases and is therefore not recommended by Chicago.	If it’s a proper noun, add only an apostrophe [Thomas’ promises; business’s mystique].

 

Go to it!

Much more can be said about apostrophes, and I hope to cover these topics in future “Comedy Grammar” posts. Issues such as its/it’s, your/you’re, and the use of an apostrophe in a gerund phrase immediately come to mind. Stay tuned.

So there you have it. Never again shall you embarrass yourself or look like an amateur when you write. Just remember: You don’t need an apostrophe for a plural; you just need an s.

Let me know, either by email or in the Comments section which is hopefully below, what other grammar and writing issues you want to see covered in future posts. This blog is for you, and thus I want to meet your needs!

Happy writing!

Deena Nataf
www.BulletproofWriting.com
Deena@BulletproofWriting.com

Hi, everyone!

This post is the first installment of Comedy Grammar – yay!

But first, I promised to publish the three best telephone conversations from readers of my previous post, so I’ve created a special page on my website called Writer’s Clinic. Whenever I invite readers to submit their writing it will be on this page, along with my comments. Click here and enjoy the first installment.

Thanks to everyone who wrote phone conversations. You all caught on to this device very quickly – congratulations! Those of you whose conversations I was unable to publish on the Writer’s Clinic page have received an email response from me.

And now for the post…

---

i want Only to Both learn how to write properly And have good grammar (and Either you’ll get it Or you won’t)

Here’s a pet peeve of mine: writers not knowing exactly where to put “only,” “both…and,” and “either…or.” Although most of us get what the writer is trying to say, it’s bad business to plop these words into your sentences and have them splatter like mud pies, wreaking grammar havoc all over your manuscript.

How can you tell where to put these pesky words? It’s a snap, because there is only one rule you need to know for all of them:

The words “only,” “both…and,” and “either…or” qualify or modify the word or phrase that comes immediately AFTER them.

Yes, it’s a mouthful, but it’s only one mouthful. When we get to “both…and” and “either…or,” I’ll let you in on an extra little secret. But we’ll start with the singleton.

1. The Lonely Only

This tricky little word trips up even the most experienced writers, but remember the new rule and you’ll be an expert at once. Let’s have some fun with this one:

• Only it qualifies the word that comes after it.

This means that nothing else except “it” is allowed to qualify the word that comes after it.

• It only qualifies the word that comes after it.

It qualifies the word that comes after it, but it certainly doesn’t do anything else to it; it doesn’t eat the word, spell the word, or get rid of the word.

• It qualifies only the word that comes after it.

It qualifies one, single word – the one that comes immediately after it; it does not qualify the sentence that comes after it, the paragraph that comes after it, or the preposition that comes after it (unless, of course, that preposition is the word that comes after it).

• It qualifies the word that only comes after it.

It does not qualify the word that sings after it, or the word that yells after it, or even the one that jumps after it.

• It qualifies the word that comes only after it.

But it doesn’t qualify the word that comes before it or above it or below it.

2. Both…and

This is the big sister of “only.” Sentences that contain this combination have two entities you need to deal with. We still use the framework of the above rule, but: 1) both “both” and “and” qualify the word or phrase that comes immediately AFTER EACH of them, and 2) Whichever part of speech comes immediately after “both” must be the same part of speech that comes immediately after “and.”

(A word to the wise: the combination “both…or” does not exist. Just writing it gives me the chills.)

Here we go:

• He both bit and slapped me.

He did two things to me. (“Bit” and “slapped” are both verbs.)

• He bit both me and my mother.

He bit two people. (Both “me” and “my mother” function as direct objects here.)

• He is both a biter and a slapper.

I don’t like this guy.

• Both he and his wife are biters and slappers.

Just goes to show you that every pot has a lid.

• I am going both to Philly and to Boston.

Here I needed to use the word “to” twice because it was placed after the word “both” and thus needed to be repeated after the word “and.” Many writers forget to add this second “to.”

• I am going to both Philly and Boston.

Since I placed the word “to” before “both” in this example, I didn’t need it after “and” – and it would have been incorrect had I placed it there. This is one of the most common “both…and” mistakes.

• Abraham Lincoln had both a lanky body and a beard.

Ol’ Abe had two, uh, distinctive physical characteristics.

• Abraham Lincoln both wrote the Gettysburg Address and delivered it.

Because there is a verb after “both” there needs to be a verb after “and,” and thus Abe must to do two things with the Gettysburg Address.

• Abraham Lincoln wrote both the Gettysburg Address and his inauguration speech. Lincoln must write two speeches; the verb “wrote” comes before the word “both” and therefore applies to both entities.

 

• Both Abraham Lincoln and his wife were sitting in Ford’s Theater on that fateful evening.

By the way, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

3. Either…or

Okay, now it’s getting even trickier, which is why I have saved this one for last. But you’re getting to be such an expert that I have full confidence you will learn this one quickly and easily. (BTW, it’s perfectly fine to begin a sentence with “But.” In fact, this is the sixth time I’ve done it in this post.)

Although the “both…and” rule applies to “either…or” as well, somehow writers get all weird with this one and start tossing their “eithers” and “ors” all around the place like a boxer throwing wild punches.

• Either we go to Vegas or your parents go to Vegas.

That town ain’t big enough for the four of us. I can’t stand your parents, and therefore if they go to Vegas we stay in Bakersfield. (The pronoun “we” follows “either,” so the noun “your parents” follows “or.”)

• Either we go to Vegas or we jump off the roof.

Both of us will do only one of two things: go to Vegas or jump off the roof; your parents, on the other hand, have decided to stay in Barstow, where they belong. (The pronoun “we” and the verb “go” followed “either.” Therefore, we need a second (pro)noun-verb combination to follow the word “or,” i.e., “we jump.”)

• We either go to Vegas or jump off the roof.

This is a slight modification of the previous example. Because the pronoun “we” comes before the word “either,” we don’t have to repeat it on the other side of “or.” Writers who do not subscribe to Bulletproof Writing frequently get this wrong.

• We go either to Vegas or to Jump off the roof. In this example we have two choices of vacation venues: one is Vegas and the other is a new city called “Jump off the roof.” I think I’d rather go to Vegas.

 

• We go to either Vegas or Jump off the roof. Also a slight modification of the previous example. We might go to that oddly named city (never, EVER put a hyphen between an adverb and an adjective), or we just might go to Vegas after all. I hope your parents won’t be there.

Put On Your Editorial Hat
I challenge you to find a violation of the only–both…and–either…or rule in a newspaper article, a book, or a blog. Send me the paragraph in which it occurs, along with your correction. I’ll publish a few of them on my next blog.

Good luck with your writing, and all the best,

Deena 🙂
www.BulletproofWriting.com
Deena@BulletproofWriting.com