I came across this fantastic blog post by Leah McClellan of Simple Writing, which discusses 5 ways to improve your writing. I thought it was too good to keep to myself. What follows are the 5 ways, in my own words, and with commentary and examples. In keeping with my Bulletproof Writing mission, I have endeavored to use as few technical words as possible.

1. Don’t introduce sentences with fluff

Get to the point, fast. Instead of, say, “She was the kind of girl who loved ice skating,” simplify with, “She loved to ice skate.”

Here are some other no-nos. Those in red indicate unsuccessful sentences; those in blue are more successful:

“There are a lot of people who are sitting in the auditorium” vs. “Many people are sitting in the auditorium“

“It was your tone of voice that bothered me” vs. “Your tone of voice bothered me“

For more about excessive verbiage, see my posts here and here.

2. Avoid repetition

Although in the original post Leah warns against repeating the same words at the beginning of sentences and paragraphs (“She walked in the door. She took off her glasses. She put up the kettle for tea.”), I would expand that to the entire piece. I cannot tell you how many times I have come across the same or a similar word being used time after time, in sentence after sentence. (Did you notice just I did it, too? See below for a suggested correction.)

It’s hard for an author to see this type of mistake, because he or she is too close to the matter. This is a major reason why you need an editor to go over your work; they are one degree removed from the text and can see things with a fresh eye. Here are a few examples of the repetition problem:

“I’m not about to talk about the problem” vs. “I will not talk about the problem” or “I am not about to discuss this problem“

“Bert tried to find an appropriate word for the sentence he was writing. In the meantime, his daughter walked into the room wearing a dress that was not appropriate for church. He finally found the appropriate word, and was then able to address himself to his daughter’s inappropriate dress.” vs. “Bert tried to find the right word for the sentence he was writing. In the meantime, his daughter walked into the room wearing too casual a dress for church. He finally found the word he needed, and was then able to deal with his daughter’s inappropriate sartorial choice.”

“I cannot tell you how many times I have come across the same or a similar word being used time after time, in sentence after sentence” vs. “I cannot tell you how frequently I come across the same or a similar word being used time after time, in sentence after sentence“

Rereading your pieces multiple times will go a long way toward eliminating repetition such as the above. And reading your prose out loud never goes out of fashion.

For more tips on self-editing, see my post here.

3. Use fewer -ing words

Here I have very little to add to what Leah wrote. Pay attention to too many –ings in your writing. Your prose will sound more assertive and self-confident.

“You will no doubt be noticing that your writing is becoming more assertive and self-confident” vs. “Notice that your writing is more assertive and self-confident” or “Your writing has become more assertive and self-confident” or “You write assertively and self-confidently.”

Just a word from our sponsor: It is fine to use the phrase, “your writing,” as the word writing functions as a noun here.

“Yesterday, while it was raining, I was sitting at my computer contemplating writing a blog post. The phone was ringing nonstop, and I was finding myself not paying attention to what I was planning on writing.” vs. “It rained yesterday morning. While I sat at my computer, I thought about what to write for my next blog post. Every few minutes, the phone rang, and it was difficult to pay attention to the task at hand.”

In the corrected version, I’ve deleted all the –ing words, but of course you can leave some of them! Sometimes, it’s helpful to go all the way in the opposite direction before you find that “golden mean.” I highly recommend your trying to write without any –ing words for 10–15 minutes as a writing exercise.

What about parallel structure?

Sometimes you do need to use the same type of words in one sentence: “I’m reading, writing, and listening to music.” It would be wrong to say, “I’m reading, I write, and I have listened to music.”  For more information on and examples of parallel structure, see my post here.

4. Pay attention to prepositions

Leah has a chart of common prepositions in her article; check it out and find some new ones!

I see two issues with regard to prepositions: using one unnecessarily and using either the wrong or a weak one.

Unnecessary prepositions

“the teacher of the yoga class” vs. “the yoga teacher“

Since I so actively dislike “the ____ of the _____,” I’ll go out on a limb here and give you permission even to write, “the woman who teaches the yoga class.”

“the scent of the perfume” vs. “the perfume’s scent“

“the girl with black hair” vs. “the black-haired girl“

“the boy had guilt written all over his face” vs. “the boy was guilt-ridden” (would be even better to Show instead of Tell here)

“the boy with guilt written all over  his face” vs. “the guilt-ridden boy“

Pay attention to “the ____ of the ____” structure that cannot be changed, for example:

Secretary of State

“Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States”

“Top o’ the morning to you”

…and look up official terms to see what is proper in your particular corner of the world, such as Ministry of the Interior vs. Interior Ministry.

Wrong or weak prepositions

The wrong preposition

Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out which preposition goes with a verb. Many times, you can get your answer from a dictionary (affiliate link). Don’t want to buy one? Use Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary.

In any case, if I’m stuck, I generally try to figure out which preposition to use by saying the sentence out loud. For example, recently I came across the following in a book I was editing: “Who can help hold you accountable on your goals?” I knew the preposition on was incorrect, but this was a tricky one. When I said the sentence aloud, the preposition to jumped out at me: “Who can help hold you accountable to your goals?”

Other times, the issue is which pronoun to use in a certain cliché or expression. For instance, “It’s hard on me.” This would work if you were talking about parenting: “Being a mother of an ADHD kid is hard on me and my nerves.” However, if you were discussing math, you’d need the preposition for, i.e., “These algebra problems are hard for me.”

A weak preposition

There are so many interesting and less common prepositions out there! Try a new one for a change, for more colorful prose (and see Leah’s list):

“Barbie got on the ship” vs. “Barbie went aboard the ship” or “Barbie ascended the gangplank” (here, there’s no preposition)

“Ken sat on top of the mountain” vs. “Ken sat atop the mountain“

“Curtis stood in front of me” vs. “Curtis stood opposite me“

For more on prepositions, see my post here.

5. Beware of “fillers”

Leah calls the following words “filters,” because “they place a barrier between your character and his or her thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. They create wordiness, too, and make readers focus on unnecessary words instead of what’s really going on”: feel, see, hear, know, hear, smell, realize, wonder, decide, notice, remember, think, wonder, watch, seem, note (he noted that), sounded like, able to (they were able to), and experience (she experienced something).  Check these out:

“Bobby smelled the cloying scent of his mother’s perfume” vs. “The cloying scent of his mother’s perfume made Bobby’s nose twitch” or “The perfume’s scent overwhelmed the small room” or “Bobby sneezed from the cloying scent of his mother’s perfume.”

By the way, notice that I did not write “His mother’s perfume’s cloying scent.” In most cases, use just one possessive per clause.

“It looked like they were able to tie the knot tightly” vs. “They tied the knot tightly“

“She decided to go to the library” vs. “She went to the library“

“I wondered how the otter made the dam” vs. “How did the otter make the dam?“

“He appeared to be preoccupied by the amount of work he needed to do” vs. “His workload preoccupied him” or “He was preoccupied by the amount of work he needed to do” or “He had a lot of work” or “He was busy” (would be even better to Show instead of Tell here).

For more on sentence structure, see my post here.

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Find ways to introduce previously unused – or underused – words into your writing. Use less fluff and fewer fillers. Watch out for repetition. Expand your preposition repertoire.

Committing to just a few of these tweaks will make your prose more descriptive and less average. Let me know in the Comments which ones you choose.

Special thanks to Leah McClellan of Simple Writing. Here’s the link to her post again.

Happy writing!

Deena

Deena Nataf

BulletproofWriting.com

Deena@BulletproofWriting.com

I don’t know about you, but I find it a bit off-putting when I see the term one overused in literature and conversation:

One could choose from soles of leather, resin…and, one hoped, eco-friendly in origin…although why one would purchase tap shoes without taps didn’t make such sense.

Like, when are you going to put a real pronoun in?

On the other hand, perhaps one is talking about the human race and not about a specific person. What’s one to do then?

In light of a query from one of my subscribers about using one in a sentence, and I decided to expand on it here.

Here are some questions that come up with the one issue:

• When do we use one, and for what type of prose?
• What are some alternatives to one?
• Can one mix and match pronouns in the same sentence or paragraph?

We’ll go over these one (!) by one. But first, a short overview.

The pronoun one: an overview

The pronoun one is called a generic pronoun, a gender-neutral pronoun, an indefinite pronoun, and an impersonal pronoun. Take your pick.

It is often used in place of you, and sometimes it’s even used in place of I (see below). Many grammar pundits consider one to be more formal, nay, haughty.

Writers who are sensitive to gender issues use the pronoun one in order to avoid employing the male pronoun, i.e., he. Although you can be used as a gender-neutral pronoun as well, one seems to get the job done better when one wants a bit of distance between one and one’s readers, or when one is making an important point:

• A flight cancellation can really ruin one’s day.
• One must never give up.

Using the pronoun one

Many British authors use one extensively, even in casual conversation and even in contemporary fiction. Very often, the speaker uses it to refer to himself or herself (“the royal one“):

• It was just so difficult when one didn’t feel hunger.
• “One could tell from the first that it was only Missa he would ever care for.”
• “It’s beaten into one from childbirth.”

American authors, however, use mainly I, you, or a noun such as “a person” or “people.”

One can also be used to express general human behavior:

• One uses a spoon and not one’s hands to eat ice cream.
• Excessive drinking can potentially put one into an awkward position.
• A nice compliment from the teacher makes one work harder.

As I said above, you will notice that these sentences put a bit of distance between the speaker/writer and the listener/reader.

When is one appropriate?

You’ll get a feel for when to use the indefinite pronoun, and when not. Formal vs. informal is one yardstick. For instance, if you are writing about Marie Antoinette, you might want to say, “One is not amused” or “Let one eat cake.” There is also the cultural issue, as I mentioned, with regard to some British authors.

The use of one also works for instruction manuals and other pedagogic prose:

1. One should be sure to turn off the electricity before one changes a light bulb.
2. One doesn’t use curse words at the Vatican.
3. If one is insensitive to the dog, it is likely to bite.
4. After one says the blessing, one permitted to partake of the meal.

Are there alternatives to one?

Yes, there are. Here are four, based on the above sentences:

1. Substitute one one with a gerund: “One should be sure to turn off the electricity before changing a light bulb.”
2. Substitute the pronoun clause with a command: “Do not use curse words at the Vatican.”
3. Use the passive case (sparingly): “Insensitive veterinarians will get bitten by their patients.”
4. Use a different pronoun (and consider making the sentence less formal): “After you say the blessing, you can eat.”

Segueing into other pronouns

Sometimes, you can or must use more than one pronoun in a sentence. When I was working on an English translation of the Talmud, our team decided to go from one to he after only one one. We simply felt the sentences would sound better and be less “heavy.” Here’s an example:

If one performs any action without specification of intent, it is also considered as if he performed it expressly for its sake.

If you do decide to switch pronouns, make sure you go back to one when you get to a new subject. Here’s something I made up:

When one goes to the beach, she should put on suntan lotion. She might also consider using a beach umbrella. Her wallet can be kept underneath her towel. She’ll probably want to relax on her towel when she gets out of the water.

However, when one goes shopping, he should look at the prices of a few different options before deciding which product to buy. He will find that the products on the lower shelves are often cheaper than those at eye level. The healthiest food is displayed around the perimeter of the store, so he should begin his shopping experience there.

Other gender-neutral ideas

There are other alternatives to the use of one in a sentence, even when you are writing formally. For example, you can use a noun or “they.” Sometimes, just plain rewriting will solve all your problems. You can find out more about this here, in a post where I discuss gender-neutral pronouns.

Here’s the chart from that post:

You can get the chart for home use by clicking here.

One last thing

Keep a lookout for confusing sentences when using one:

If one complains, one needs to address the issue.

Now, does this mean that if an individual complains, he himself needs to figure out why he’s complaining? Or does it mean that if person X complains to person Y, the latter needs to deal with it?

It would be better to rewrite the sentence to be more specific, i.e., “If someone complains to you, you need to address the issue.” Or “If you complain, you need to figure out what is bothering you.”

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Please let me know if you have any writing, editing, or grammar questions. I love tailoring my posts to what my tribe wants!

And as always,

Happy Writing!

Deena

www.BulletproofWriting.com

Deena@BulletproofWriting.com

I’ve been putting off a that vs. which article for months. In fact, I’m scared to publish it because I have a few subscribers who are English teachers.

The time, however, has come.

What’s the difference between that and which, and how do you figure out which one to use?

The Good News

The good news about the that vs. which conundrum is that we’re much more loose with the differences nowadays. Nevertheless, it’s important to know the rules, because there are situations where using the incorrect one (officially, they’re called relative pronouns in this context) can change the meaning of a sentence.

More good news from Fowler

Here’s a wonderful quote from my friend H. W. Fowler that should lessen everyone’s anxiety (including mine) when it comes to the that vs. which issue:

The relations between that…and which have come to us from our forefathers as an odd jumble, and plainly show that the language has not been neatly constructed by a master builder who could create each part to do the exact work required of it, neither overlapped nor overlapping; far from that, its parts have had to grow as they could.

In other words, don’t obsess. Learn the rules, try to use them, and then let go.

How I learned the rules

I learned the difference between that and which from the following sentences:

The car that is in the garage has a flat tire.

The car which is in the garage has a flat tire.

In a nutshell, you use that or which depending on what you are emphasizing and what information the sentence is trying to get across.

♦ In the first sentence, there is more than one car. The word that defines which car you are talking about. It is called a defining restrictive pronoun because it defines which item out of many is being discussed; the definition is restricted to one particular item.

♦ In the second sentence, there is only one car. The word which introduces a clause that gives you some extra but possibly non-essential information. The more important issue is that the car has a flat tire.

Which is called a non-defining restrictive pronoun because it doesn’t need to define which item is being referred to; we already know which one, and the item is thus already restricted.

Now let’s unpack the relative pronoun mystique.

the That clause…

• is generally used with regard to more than one item or entity.
• is essential to the rest of the sentence because it is giving indispensable information.
• does not use commas – this is a great way to figure out whether to use that or which.
• emphasizes and identifies the item itself. The information in the clause is restricted to that item only.
• can be written without the word that and still make a comprehensible sentence.

Examples of that in a sentence

The car that is in the garage has a flat tire. I have three cars. One is in the driveway, one is parked at the curb, and one is in the garage. I am telling you which car has the flat tire.

If I said instead, “The car has a flat tire,” that would be unhelpful because you wouldn’t know to which car I am referring. Thus, I need the that clause.

The dog that barked at me was on a leash. There were several dogs, but only one of them barked at me. And thankfully, it was on a leash. The information I have given you in the that clause enables you to narrow down which dog I’m talking about.

The stepladder that was taken yesterday has been returned. This one is a little more tricky. The sentence would still be correct even if there was only one stepladder, because without the that clause we wouldn’t have known that the stepladder was taken in the first place and therefore the sentence would be useless.

In other words, if I had said, “The stepladder has been returned,” and you had no idea that it had even disappeared, my declaration would be irrelevant. Thus, the that clause is essential to this sentence.

 Taking that out of the sentence

The following sentences are all valid, as the word that is implied. I have underlined the rest of the clause.

• The car parked in the garage has a flat tire.
• The dog barking at me was on a leash.
• The stepladder taken yesterday has been returned.

the Which clause…

• is generally used with regard to only one item or entity.
• adds non-essential information pertaining to the item being discussed.
• begs the use of commas on either side of it – this is a great way to figure out whether to use that or which.
• emphasizes and identifies an aspect of the item, not the item itself.
• must retain the word which; otherwise, it can be construed as a defining restrictive, i.e., that, clause.

Examples of which in a sentence

The car, which is in the garage, has a flat tire. We have one car, but I don’t know where you parked it last night. Here is some helpful information about the geographical aspect of the car, although the essential information you are trying to impart is that is has a flat tire.

The dog, which barked at me, was on a leash. We already know which dog is being discussed; the important piece of information in this sentence is that it was on a leash. It’s not really that important that it barked at me, but I want you to feel sorry for me and give me more attention. I’m relating a behavioral aspect of the dog, which makes absolutely no difference with regard to whether it was on a leash or not.

Photo by pedrosimoes7

Think of “which barked at me” as TMI.

The stepladder, which was taken yesterday, has been returned.

For all you busybodies, here’s an unimportant but gossip-worthy bit of news: the stepladder was taken yesterday. However, if I were to take the moral high ground and delete the which clause, you would still be getting all the information you need.

Sometimes you can go both ways

Although most people mix and match that and which, lazily assuming the reader will understand the point of the sentence, there are situations where the difference can change its meaning – sometimes subtly and sometimes more dramatically. Here is an example:

I have a contract that protects both of us. You have a few contracts. This specific one protects both you and your client.

I have a contract, which protects both of us. This sentence tells us that you have only one standard contract.

The which clause can be seen as incidental. In fact, when trying to decide between that and which, try to add “by the way.” If it works, use which; if not, use that. (“I have a contract, which by the way protects both of us.”)

3 cute that vs. which tricks from Fowler

Here are three more that vs. which hacks to help you decide which relative pronoun to use.

That must be the first word in the clause, while which can be preceded by a preposition

If you can plug a preposition into your sentence, even temporarily, you’ll need which.

• The car about that is in the garage has a flat tire. No, Ma’am.
• The car about which I have been telling you is in the garage. Correct, although very formal.

Both types of clauses can end in a preposition, sort of

According to Fowler, you can write “I’ve had enough of your sarcasm, which I have already spoken to you about.” However, he hastens to point out that the word about in this sentence is really the adverbial particle of a phrasal verb. Fair enough.

On the other hand, you can say: “I’ve had enough of the sarcasm that I have already spoken to you about.”

If a which clause sounds silly or pompous, use a that clause instead

• “The most stubborn stain across which I have ever come was from blood on your shirt.” Give me a break.
• “The most stubborn stain that I have ever come across was from blood on your shirt.” Now that’s English.
  

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I sincerely hope this post was enlightening and helpful. Please let me know in the Comments if there are any other essential writing and/or grammar issues that you’d like me to address in future posts. And, as always,

Happy writing!

Deena

Deena Nataf

www. BulletproofWriting.com

Deena@BulletproofWriting.com

If you missed the first post in this series, click here.

This post is the 2nd and last installment of my grammar mini-series. Below you’ll find some hilarious mistakes, and fixes you can make to save face.

Remember: this is second-draft stuff. When you write your first draft, focus on getting everything down, and pay attention to your outline. Then give yourself an interval of time between drafts, after which you can settle down with your red pen and focus thoughtfully on your prose.

Immodest cooking and other embarrassments

Several years ago, when I was senior editor at an Indie publishing company, the only project I ever refused to continue working on was The Cookbook from Hell, written by, of course, The Author from Hell. The book and its author ruined everyone’s lives for the few years it took to get it (and her) out the door.

The manuscript was basically incomprehensible and full of errors and plagiarism. But reading it was worth it because of the recipe for beer can chicken.

The recipe, which we ended up deleting from the book, opened with excruciating detail about how to season and prepare the chicken before employing the beer can. The author then wrote:

“Take beer can. Spread legs.”

Why am I telling you this? Because this author didn’t take the time to read and reread her manuscript. She handed it off to the editors with nary a thought as to how accurate or readable her book was.

Unfortunately, I see this sort of attitude all too frequently.

2nd draft is all about focus

Sometimes embarrassing mistakes make it into print not because the author doesn’t care but because he or she simply missed the issue or wasn’t aware that there was one. But that’s still not an excuse.

You can eliminate potential problems by using some of the strategies I’ve discussed before, such as reading your piece aloud before you submit it. Or by reading your work closely and frequently asking yourself, “Does this make sense?”

In other words, you need to focus.

Here are some hilarious sentences which, while grammatically correct, can be taken in more than one way and can definitely lower your credibility as a writer:

• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges. Usually I badger authors to take out all unnecessary verbiage, but here I’d urge whoever wrote this headline to be a bit more generous. All that’s needed are one word at the beginning, such as “Government,” and two words in the middle, such as “completion of” or “opening of.” Amazing the difference this can make.
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks. This one’s a bit trickier, because you have to be strategic regarding where to place additional words. For example, if you say, “Kids can make nutritious snacks,” or “Even kids make nutritious snacks,” you haven’t gained anything. How about, “Kids can make their own nutritious snacks” or “Learn how kids are making their own nutritious snacks”?

By the way, headlines are challenging, as sometimes you must pack everything into four or five words. Take your time with this.

• For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor. This is mostly a punctuation issue; the phrase, “and doesn’t know it,” belongs to the second clause, not the first. How can we make the sentence plausible?

First of all, I don’t like the sentence opening. Prepositional or gerund/participle phrases at the beginning can spell disaster for the rest of the sentence. So feel free to totally rework and rearrange your words. Rigidity is the enemy of writers – although I’m all for 90 percent rigidity when it comes to grammar.

Here are some alternatives to those poor parents who don’t know they have kids:

• “Parents: Did you know there is a day care on the first floor?”
• “Parents, there is a day care on the first floor.”
• “If you have kids, you will be pleased to know that there is a day care on the first floor.”
• “If you have kids, check out the day care on the first floor.”

Journey into the nonsensical

1. If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
2. War Dims Hope for Peace.
3. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
4. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.

Here, too, focus is the key. You can rework these sentences by sitting down and examining what exactly you are trying to get across. “What am I trying to say?” will be your new mantra.

Learning how to read (and write)

In the first sentence, there is nothing to do except call people up and offer them reading lessons. However, if you must have something in print, keep your audience in mind, use a picture, and simplify:

LEARN TO READ: 1-800-123-4567.

By the way, this is an important point. If you are writing a children’s book, you will have to simplify your language. There are even programs you can run your manuscript through that tell you the grade level of your prose on the Flesch-Kincaid readability scale. Rule of thumb: the younger the audience, the shorter the words (and sentences).

Opposites (sometimes) detract

The problem with the second sentence is that we have a pair of opposites. Deleting either “war” or “peace” is a good start:

• “War dims hope for quick solution to border dispute.”
• “Recent fighting dims hope for peace.”

Dig deeper

The third sentence is repetitive. Focusing on the issue will help us figure out what we’re really saying. Perhaps we can even eliminate one of the clauses.

• “Strike to last indefinitely if immediate solution isn’t found.”

This one’s okay, but let’s dig a little deeper. What’s really going on here? Sounds like the workers have some nonnegotiable demands, no? How about:

• “Strikers dig in their heels; only hope is quick settlement.”
• “Strike must be settled quickly to avoid lengthy factory shut-down.”

Sometimes we need to completely rewrite a sentence in order for it to say what we want it to say. This is advanced self-editing!

Just the facts, Ma’am

In the fourth sentence, the poor writer just wants to explain that the temperatures are low and this has created a cold wave. How can he or she say this without looking like a fool?

• “Consistent low temperatures point to cold wave.” Again, not bad, but can we make it better?
• “Lowering temperatures signal imminent cold wave.” This sentence is nice, because it has a logical cause and effect. However, it means that the cold wave hasn’t occurred yet.
• “It’s not just low temperatures; it’s a cold wave!” Here’s another way to link the two issues, especially if the cold wave is happening now.
• “Cold wave hits Hawaii. Temperatures in the negatives.” Feel free to use two sentences if it helps you and your readers.
• “Cold wave hits Hawaii.” Another great solution. A cold wave means there are low temperatures. Ask yourself if the point of the story is to tell people there’s a cold wave or to link the cold wave to an unprecedented lowering of temperatures. If the point is simply to report a cold wave, then simply report the cold wave.

More fun for you, less commentary from me

Bargain basement upstairs. This is what happens when you rely on clichés. Again, focus on what you want to say, keep the principal idea, and replace the rest:

• “Sale items upstairs.”
• “Closeouts upstairs.”
• “Bargain department upstairs.”

Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. The issue here is using the same word(s) too close together and/or in a different context.

One of the first authors I ever worked for made me aware of my use of repetitive words, and I’m forever grateful to him.

Here’s one solution to the poorly written sentence above:

Photo by pedrosimoes7

“Whoever took the stepladder yesterday is requested to return it immediately; otherwise, the administration will conduct a room-by-room search.” More detail can sometimes be a solution.

“The stepladder which was taken yesterday must be put back by 5:00 pm.” No need for threats; just make the main clause stronger.

“Would the person who took the bookshelf ladder yesterday please return it, or further steps will be taken.” If you want to retain the second clause, then change the first. Again, what is the problem? Can you solve it by substituting one word for another?

We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door; the bell doesn’t work.) This reminds me of the mistake I made in the first sentence of the post I published on May 29th. I was talking, as usual, about good grammar, and made a silly grammar mistake. Again, I’m forever grateful to my friend who spotted it.

I call this self-incriminating writing. If you’re going to assert an opinion, make sure you have all your facts straight. For instance, never say, “I’m writing my thesis on Jon F. Kennedy, who was assassinated in 1958.” (Can you spot both mistakes?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers. Here, the problem is one of syntactical cognitive dissonance. We associate the expression “run down” with traffic accidents, not with traffic rules. Choose your words thoughtfully and mindfully, and make sure they fit the words and sentences around them. Good focus will help you catch most doozies.

Pure fun, even less commentary

• After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. Reminds me of the beer can chicken recipe.
• We exchange anything: bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife in and get a wonderful bargain? Don’t give your husband any ideas.
• Elephants, please stay in your car. This one was spotted at a safari park. Change the punctuation; problem solved.
• Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. Can we get a bit more explanation here? And delete the possessive pronoun.
• The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. Remember the old joke, “How do you stop an elephant from charging?”
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over. Feel free to completely rewrite this one.
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death. Cue Twilight Zone music.
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant. I suggest this person read Eats Shoots and Leaves.

Couldn’t resist these

• Man Struck By Lightning; Faces Battery Charge.
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
• Hospital Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
• Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

***

I hope you’ve enjoyed this grammar mini-series, and I hope I kept you laughing while you learned.

But in all seriousness, fix your grammar in second draft. Your first draft should be more of a brain dump – within reason. If you focus too much on the rules in the first draft, you’ll never write a word.

When it comes to the disciplined self-editing of later drafts, however, it’s full speed ahead with focus and thoughtfulness.

Have you spotted any other hilarious writing mistakes? Put them in the Comments so we can continue laughing for the rest of the week.

Happy writing!

Deena

Deena Nataf

www.BulletproofWriting.com

Deena@BulletproofWriting