I came across this fantastic blog post by Leah McClellan of Simple Writing, which discusses 5 ways to improve your writing. I thought it was too good to keep to myself. What follows are the 5 ways, in my own words, and with commentary and examples. In keeping with my Bulletproof Writing mission, I have endeavored to use as few technical words as possible.

1. Don’t introduce sentences with fluff

Get to the point, fast. Instead of, say, “She was the kind of girl who loved ice skating,” simplify with, “She loved to ice skate.”

Here are some other no-nos. Those in red indicate unsuccessful sentences; those in blue are more successful:

“There are a lot of people who are sitting in the auditorium” vs. “Many people are sitting in the auditorium“

“It was your tone of voice that bothered me” vs. “Your tone of voice bothered me“

For more about excessive verbiage, see my posts here and here.

2. Avoid repetition

Although in the original post Leah warns against repeating the same words at the beginning of sentences and paragraphs (“She walked in the door. She took off her glasses. She put up the kettle for tea.”), I would expand that to the entire piece. I cannot tell you how many times I have come across the same or a similar word being used time after time, in sentence after sentence. (Did you notice just I did it, too? See below for a suggested correction.)

It’s hard for an author to see this type of mistake, because he or she is too close to the matter. This is a major reason why you need an editor to go over your work; they are one degree removed from the text and can see things with a fresh eye. Here are a few examples of the repetition problem:

“I’m not about to talk about the problem” vs. “I will not talk about the problem” or “I am not about to discuss this problem“

“Bert tried to find an appropriate word for the sentence he was writing. In the meantime, his daughter walked into the room wearing a dress that was not appropriate for church. He finally found the appropriate word, and was then able to address himself to his daughter’s inappropriate dress.” vs. “Bert tried to find the right word for the sentence he was writing. In the meantime, his daughter walked into the room wearing too casual a dress for church. He finally found the word he needed, and was then able to deal with his daughter’s inappropriate sartorial choice.”

“I cannot tell you how many times I have come across the same or a similar word being used time after time, in sentence after sentence” vs. “I cannot tell you how frequently I come across the same or a similar word being used time after time, in sentence after sentence“

Rereading your pieces multiple times will go a long way toward eliminating repetition such as the above. And reading your prose out loud never goes out of fashion.

For more tips on self-editing, see my post here.

3. Use fewer -ing words

Here I have very little to add to what Leah wrote. Pay attention to too many –ings in your writing. Your prose will sound more assertive and self-confident.

“You will no doubt be noticing that your writing is becoming more assertive and self-confident” vs. “Notice that your writing is more assertive and self-confident” or “Your writing has become more assertive and self-confident” or “You write assertively and self-confidently.”

Just a word from our sponsor: It is fine to use the phrase, “your writing,” as the word writing functions as a noun here.

“Yesterday, while it was raining, I was sitting at my computer contemplating writing a blog post. The phone was ringing nonstop, and I was finding myself not paying attention to what I was planning on writing.” vs. “It rained yesterday morning. While I sat at my computer, I thought about what to write for my next blog post. Every few minutes, the phone rang, and it was difficult to pay attention to the task at hand.”

In the corrected version, I’ve deleted all the –ing words, but of course you can leave some of them! Sometimes, it’s helpful to go all the way in the opposite direction before you find that “golden mean.” I highly recommend your trying to write without any –ing words for 10–15 minutes as a writing exercise.

What about parallel structure?

Sometimes you do need to use the same type of words in one sentence: “I’m reading, writing, and listening to music.” It would be wrong to say, “I’m reading, I write, and I have listened to music.”  For more information on and examples of parallel structure, see my post here.

4. Pay attention to prepositions

Leah has a chart of common prepositions in her article; check it out and find some new ones!

I see two issues with regard to prepositions: using one unnecessarily and using either the wrong or a weak one.

Unnecessary prepositions

“the teacher of the yoga class” vs. “the yoga teacher“

Since I so actively dislike “the ____ of the _____,” I’ll go out on a limb here and give you permission even to write, “the woman who teaches the yoga class.”

“the scent of the perfume” vs. “the perfume’s scent“

“the girl with black hair” vs. “the black-haired girl“

“the boy had guilt written all over his face” vs. “the boy was guilt-ridden” (would be even better to Show instead of Tell here)

“the boy with guilt written all over  his face” vs. “the guilt-ridden boy“

Pay attention to “the ____ of the ____” structure that cannot be changed, for example:

Secretary of State

“Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States”

“Top o’ the morning to you”

…and look up official terms to see what is proper in your particular corner of the world, such as Ministry of the Interior vs. Interior Ministry.

Wrong or weak prepositions

The wrong preposition

Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out which preposition goes with a verb. Many times, you can get your answer from a dictionary (affiliate link). Don’t want to buy one? Use Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary.

In any case, if I’m stuck, I generally try to figure out which preposition to use by saying the sentence out loud. For example, recently I came across the following in a book I was editing: “Who can help hold you accountable on your goals?” I knew the preposition on was incorrect, but this was a tricky one. When I said the sentence aloud, the preposition to jumped out at me: “Who can help hold you accountable to your goals?”

Other times, the issue is which pronoun to use in a certain cliché or expression. For instance, “It’s hard on me.” This would work if you were talking about parenting: “Being a mother of an ADHD kid is hard on me and my nerves.” However, if you were discussing math, you’d need the preposition for, i.e., “These algebra problems are hard for me.”

A weak preposition

There are so many interesting and less common prepositions out there! Try a new one for a change, for more colorful prose (and see Leah’s list):

“Barbie got on the ship” vs. “Barbie went aboard the ship” or “Barbie ascended the gangplank” (here, there’s no preposition)

“Ken sat on top of the mountain” vs. “Ken sat atop the mountain“

“Curtis stood in front of me” vs. “Curtis stood opposite me“

For more on prepositions, see my post here.

5. Beware of “fillers”

Leah calls the following words “filters,” because “they place a barrier between your character and his or her thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. They create wordiness, too, and make readers focus on unnecessary words instead of what’s really going on”: feel, see, hear, know, hear, smell, realize, wonder, decide, notice, remember, think, wonder, watch, seem, note (he noted that), sounded like, able to (they were able to), and experience (she experienced something).  Check these out:

“Bobby smelled the cloying scent of his mother’s perfume” vs. “The cloying scent of his mother’s perfume made Bobby’s nose twitch” or “The perfume’s scent overwhelmed the small room” or “Bobby sneezed from the cloying scent of his mother’s perfume.”

By the way, notice that I did not write “His mother’s perfume’s cloying scent.” In most cases, use just one possessive per clause.

“It looked like they were able to tie the knot tightly” vs. “They tied the knot tightly“

“She decided to go to the library” vs. “She went to the library“

“I wondered how the otter made the dam” vs. “How did the otter make the dam?“

“He appeared to be preoccupied by the amount of work he needed to do” vs. “His workload preoccupied him” or “He was preoccupied by the amount of work he needed to do” or “He had a lot of work” or “He was busy” (would be even better to Show instead of Tell here).

For more on sentence structure, see my post here.

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Find ways to introduce previously unused – or underused – words into your writing. Use less fluff and fewer fillers. Watch out for repetition. Expand your preposition repertoire.

Committing to just a few of these tweaks will make your prose more descriptive and less average. Let me know in the Comments which ones you choose.

Special thanks to Leah McClellan of Simple Writing. Here’s the link to her post again.

Happy writing!

Deena

Deena Nataf

BulletproofWriting.com

Deena@BulletproofWriting.com

I don’t know about you, but I find it a bit off-putting when I see the term one overused in literature and conversation:

One could choose from soles of leather, resin…and, one hoped, eco-friendly in origin…although why one would purchase tap shoes without taps didn’t make such sense.

Like, when are you going to put a real pronoun in?

On the other hand, perhaps one is talking about the human race and not about a specific person. What’s one to do then?

In light of a query from one of my subscribers about using one in a sentence, and I decided to expand on it here.

Here are some questions that come up with the one issue:

• When do we use one, and for what type of prose?
• What are some alternatives to one?
• Can one mix and match pronouns in the same sentence or paragraph?

We’ll go over these one (!) by one. But first, a short overview.

The pronoun one: an overview

The pronoun one is called a generic pronoun, a gender-neutral pronoun, an indefinite pronoun, and an impersonal pronoun. Take your pick.

It is often used in place of you, and sometimes it’s even used in place of I (see below). Many grammar pundits consider one to be more formal, nay, haughty.

Writers who are sensitive to gender issues use the pronoun one in order to avoid employing the male pronoun, i.e., he. Although you can be used as a gender-neutral pronoun as well, one seems to get the job done better when one wants a bit of distance between one and one’s readers, or when one is making an important point:

• A flight cancellation can really ruin one’s day.
• One must never give up.

Using the pronoun one

Many British authors use one extensively, even in casual conversation and even in contemporary fiction. Very often, the speaker uses it to refer to himself or herself (“the royal one“):

• It was just so difficult when one didn’t feel hunger.
• “One could tell from the first that it was only Missa he would ever care for.”
• “It’s beaten into one from childbirth.”

American authors, however, use mainly I, you, or a noun such as “a person” or “people.”

One can also be used to express general human behavior:

• One uses a spoon and not one’s hands to eat ice cream.
• Excessive drinking can potentially put one into an awkward position.
• A nice compliment from the teacher makes one work harder.

As I said above, you will notice that these sentences put a bit of distance between the speaker/writer and the listener/reader.

When is one appropriate?

You’ll get a feel for when to use the indefinite pronoun, and when not. Formal vs. informal is one yardstick. For instance, if you are writing about Marie Antoinette, you might want to say, “One is not amused” or “Let one eat cake.” There is also the cultural issue, as I mentioned, with regard to some British authors.

The use of one also works for instruction manuals and other pedagogic prose:

1. One should be sure to turn off the electricity before one changes a light bulb.
2. One doesn’t use curse words at the Vatican.
3. If one is insensitive to the dog, it is likely to bite.
4. After one says the blessing, one permitted to partake of the meal.

Are there alternatives to one?

Yes, there are. Here are four, based on the above sentences:

1. Substitute one one with a gerund: “One should be sure to turn off the electricity before changing a light bulb.”
2. Substitute the pronoun clause with a command: “Do not use curse words at the Vatican.”
3. Use the passive case (sparingly): “Insensitive veterinarians will get bitten by their patients.”
4. Use a different pronoun (and consider making the sentence less formal): “After you say the blessing, you can eat.”

Segueing into other pronouns

Sometimes, you can or must use more than one pronoun in a sentence. When I was working on an English translation of the Talmud, our team decided to go from one to he after only one one. We simply felt the sentences would sound better and be less “heavy.” Here’s an example:

If one performs any action without specification of intent, it is also considered as if he performed it expressly for its sake.

If you do decide to switch pronouns, make sure you go back to one when you get to a new subject. Here’s something I made up:

When one goes to the beach, she should put on suntan lotion. She might also consider using a beach umbrella. Her wallet can be kept underneath her towel. She’ll probably want to relax on her towel when she gets out of the water.

However, when one goes shopping, he should look at the prices of a few different options before deciding which product to buy. He will find that the products on the lower shelves are often cheaper than those at eye level. The healthiest food is displayed around the perimeter of the store, so he should begin his shopping experience there.

Other gender-neutral ideas

There are other alternatives to the use of one in a sentence, even when you are writing formally. For example, you can use a noun or “they.” Sometimes, just plain rewriting will solve all your problems. You can find out more about this here, in a post where I discuss gender-neutral pronouns.

Here’s the chart from that post:

You can get the chart for home use by clicking here.

One last thing

Keep a lookout for confusing sentences when using one:

If one complains, one needs to address the issue.

Now, does this mean that if an individual complains, he himself needs to figure out why he’s complaining? Or does it mean that if person X complains to person Y, the latter needs to deal with it?

It would be better to rewrite the sentence to be more specific, i.e., “If someone complains to you, you need to address the issue.” Or “If you complain, you need to figure out what is bothering you.”

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Please let me know if you have any writing, editing, or grammar questions. I love tailoring my posts to what my tribe wants!

And as always,

Happy Writing!

Deena

www.BulletproofWriting.com

Deena@BulletproofWriting.com